Previews - excerpts - special offers - by Nancy Kuykendall

IN THE DARK 

A Mother's Reflections on Her Son's Addiction and Recovery

Preface

In the dark, is exactly where I was when my oldest child, Jason, first dabbled with addictive substances and displayed addictive behavior. To my recollection he was only twelve at the first signs of impending trouble. He remembers it as ten-years-old. That’s far too young to be introduced to addictive substances. My gut feelings told me things were not right, but I didn’t know exactly from where those feelings stemmed. I had a troubled marriage. Jason, like me, tended to keep his feelings stuffed inside. That’s never a good thing.

I grew up in a home where I never saw cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs of any kind. There was no swearing or abuse. My dad was both a medical doctor working in pediatric hospitals and clinics, and a minster who was a seminary professor until he retired. I was surrounded by physicians who were interested in health and healthy ways of living and ministers and pastors who were doing their best to teach spiritual health through the Bible and God’s ways. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who excelled at many forms of homemaking and took care of everyone’s needs, unfortunately often sacrificing her own. I raised my children in the same type of home and atmosphere.

To this day, I have never smoked a cigarette, smoked marijuana, never once smoked, injected, snuffed, or huffed any drug. I’ve never had a beer, nor wine, nor hard drink. I’ve never had champagne. I have never purchased alcohol. I’ve never once been offered a drug. To be one-hundred percent honest, around 1990 a friend gifted my husband (at the time) and I a four-pack of wine coolers. On two sizzling hot summer nights, home alone, and the kids in bed, I tried an eight-ounce glass of berry wine cooler over ice. It tasted nice enough. It was refreshing, but I did not like the feeling of alcohol in my body. Long story short, I’d made a decision at age fourteen to never drink. I wanted to keep that promise I’d made to myself.  Since those wine coolers, I’ve never had alcohol again. 

Why do I tell you this?  Because I was completely naive about drugs and drug abuse. I was unaware of behaviors that might be tell-tale signs. I was in the dark when it came to understanding what might be going on with my son. I understood some of the problems he had and I understood his “stuff it” personality. And I loved him fiercely. 

One day Jason ran away. For me that’s where the story begins. This book is written to express my journey through Jason’s addiction, and then recovery. Twenty years. Jason’s first day of sobriety was December 6, 2012. He has been clean and sober ever since. I am a grateful Mom! 

Jason first urged me to write this book ten years ago, and to write it from my perspective as his mother. He told me, “The book is not about me, Mom. It’s about you.” But in so many ways for me it is about Jason. A mother’s child is a part of her forever.

This book is not one long accounting of twenty years. My knowledge of all that went on is sketchy and my memories are scattered and sometimes vague. Dates and details may not be fully accurate in every case. My way to approach this book is to tell separate stories of episodes and experiences I remember. The purpose of this book, as Jason and I both hope, is to help other mothers know they are not alone and how to have hope and carry on while knowing that any day word might come that their precious son, or daughter is dead.

I hope that in telling my experiences, as best I can remember them, it will help other mothers. My prayers were many. My faith grew stronger, and hope lived in my heart. My love for Jason was and is beyond measure, as it is for my other two children as well who had their own struggles. Love is a strong conqueror—a mother’s fierce love, and more so, Almighty God’s compassionate love. I am a fortunate mother to have a drug-free son still with me today. Not everyone’s child makes it out alive. 

We do our best to love and raise our children, but there are no perfect parents. We often have our own struggles. We train our children to the best of our abilities and sometimes still lose them by their own choices. Mothers are not automatically at fault. I know I did my very best, no matter how in the dark I was. I sometimes remember moments that still hurt my heart terribly that I wish I had handled differently. I was a young inexperienced mom, and I wish I hadn’t listened to all the well-meaning advice I was given … even by some doctors. We can “if only” or “I wish” but it serves no purpose. We can’t change the past. We can’t change our children’s choices. Circumstances were difficult for me, but I loved my children deeply, with all my heart, and know I did my very best in raising them. Because of that, I have given myself the gift of grace. Long ago, before I was ever married or a mother, I accepted God’s compassionate grace, and he has seen me through rough waters. I am free of guilt. I hope you are, too, or will be. 

With love,

Nancy

My new release - 

IN THE DARK - A Mother's Reflections on Her Son's Addiction and Recovery

Available in paperback and eBook

https://amazon.com/dp/B0DCS69K3Y

https://books2read.com/u/4AGr7N

My oldest son was an addict for twenty years. Cigarettes, meth, and alcohol ruled his life. The title, IN THE DARK, describes both his life and mine. He walked the dark path of addiction. I lived in the darkbecause of my naivety. I knew nothing about drugs or addiction. I was at a loss to recognize or understand the signs and knew little of what was going on in his life. The stories shared in this book are my reflections on the journey I traveled as I dealt with my son’s addiction and then recovery. He found his way out of the dark. He survived. These reflections are meant to offer hope to mothers struggling with their child’s addiction. There is hope.